Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Bloody internet 😳
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.