@JustMeTurtle

Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

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@Taryn_

The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.

@sacha_is_good

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

@Deurb1

I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…

@ddsmidt

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

@squirrel74wkgn

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

@kwirkyKerri

*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.

@TheTweetOfGod

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

@lecalabara

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

@GinAndJif

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.