Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.

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The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.


“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.


I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…


If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.


Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.


*at movie theater*
M: I’ll take a large popcorn with extra butter.
H: Sure. What movie are you seeing?
M: I’m not.


An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.


You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.


Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.