Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
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“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning