Sales girl: Would you like the receipt?
Me: Sure! If they don’t work, I’ll be bringing them back.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they’re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they’re willing to do during conjugal visits.
This dude is using a pay phone , I guess someone got kidnapped
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.