Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Air conditioning – not a fan
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
[montage of me giving-up]
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…