Living the best life.. 😊
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I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
every college guy’s fridge
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed