I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
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After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Jokes on them. I took 10.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.