Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Passwords are more important than ever.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point