I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?