cats be like I know a spot then sit on your throat

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went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw


*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”


If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.


In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger

In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger


Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.


I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.


I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich


Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.


Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.


Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.