@veganbruxa

cats be like I know a spot then sit on your throat

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@mrjohndarby

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

@stephenjmolloy

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

@InternetHippo

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

@SomeRandomBee

In my mind: I got them moves like Jagger

In reality: I got them moves like I’m on Jäger

@geowizzacist

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

@Sarcasticsapien

I think first dates should just be writing down the bad stuff from your past and sliding it across the table like you’re making an offer.

@dumbbeezie

I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich

@MsMosman

Blocked a someone with “Social Media Specialist | Online Reputation Manager” in their bio just to mess with their head. And it’s douchy.

@Tmoney68

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

@JulieSnark

Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.