I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check