Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

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“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.


A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..


“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”


Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.


[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
[brick flies through my window]


Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*



when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me


Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.