Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices