@ADDiane

Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.

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@Ideal_Victoria

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

@usermcuserface

A Canadian has a bad day:
(Traps a goose, and casts a spell)
Fly my lovely. Be aggressive. Block traffic, and shit everywhere. Be my wrath..

@UncleDuke1969

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

@dafloydsta

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

@InternetHippo

[fingers tented under chin]
What can I tweet that won’t make people yell at me
[starts typing]
Hello
[brick flies through my window]

@northernlivng24

Computer: Prove you’re not a robot.

Me: *struggles to find all the road signs*

Computer: Maybe prove it to yourself first. I’ll wait.
*refreshes condescendingly*

Me: SHUT UP! I CAN DO THIS!

@skullmandible

when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Dont kill anyone in a jealous rage.

Calm down and plan that shit first.