Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Don’t talk down to me
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
The Struggle
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.