@thatRamosgirl

Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

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@max_pad21

My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash

@SeymourDLindsay

Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.

@birbigs

A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM

@smithsara79

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

@pittdave13

The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van

@jellybnbonanza

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

@HatfieldAnne

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

@SequelsWeWant

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth