Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.

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My wife just gave me that come hither look and when I come hithered she pointed to the trash


Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.


A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM


[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now


The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van


You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!


Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.


Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth