@SincerelyMen
Voldemort’s parents took the “I got your nose” game a little to seriously.
@1Happytwit
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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@SincerelyMen
@WheelTod
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
@Divergentmama
I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
@Its_Just_Reese
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
@fro_vo
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
@KarateDonuts
Spoiler Alert:
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.
@NourHadidi
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
@PaulyPeligroso
Dudes named Chance never had one.
@Bacon_Ball
Twitter was down for a couple of hours but I didn’t panic at all. I dialed 911 and calmly told them “people are about to die”. Then Hung up.