Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.
Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
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Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
How to propose marriage:
1. Drive to bridge
2. Jump off
Coworker *parks Prius
Coworker 2 *locks bike up
Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.