Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
You Might Also Like
*pronounces fake like saké*
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
How to woo a woman
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.