@barryjohnharper

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

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@thejodiest

Please don’t directly insult people on Twitter.

Use passive aggressive, indirect insults only, like a damn adult.

@bylinetd

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

@causticbob

A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.

He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.

@Love_bug1016

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

@4SLars

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

@ThaJawn

Coworker *parks Prius

Coworker 2 *locks bike up

Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

@cellapaz

[on a date]

me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?

him: CHECK PLEASE

@mydmac

I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.