Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
You Might Also Like
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
For cardio I live beyond my means.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up