@Tired_Dad_of_2

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

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@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@UnFitz

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

@PaperFury

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

@Bexyful

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

@SentenceReduced

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

@jazmasta

*sees a cat yawning*
How the hell can you be tired?

@tastefactory

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

@patnspankme

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

@ozzyunc

If someone says “I’m a people person” are they a schizophrenic or a cannibal?