Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Velcrow
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.