Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

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Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.


Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.

I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.


me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally


It’s 2007. You’re working on a PowerPoint for school. It’s about ancient Egypt. You select the Papyrus font.

“Yes, Perfect”


The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.


So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.


I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…


Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.


ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends