@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

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@Probgoblin

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

@frogbunnie

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@KalvinMacleod

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@DOGGEAUX

i edited the lyrics of mr brightside using google autocomplete results

@KevinFrisbee

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

@amishschool

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.