I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.