@TidBox

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

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@ch000ch

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

@JessPish

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

@dafloydsta

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

@maebemarbles

Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.

@Mr_Kapowski

Got a case for my iPhone even though the screen is already cracked. So basically it’s like putting a condom on my kid’s head.

@squirrel74wkgn

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

@crunchenhancer

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

@thenatewolf

Seeing the leaves change in autumn always reminds me of my Grandpa. He died falling out of a tree too.