Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft