I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!