It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
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[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
How dude HOW?!
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Feels
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.