My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
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The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.