Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Octopus 1-you up for tennis?
Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again
Octo1-..we dont have elb
Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL
This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
I just put BOTH my legs into one pajama pant leg…making me a MERMAID!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?