@tastefactory

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

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@ryanqnorth

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

@Sanbel11

When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.

@kirstiealley

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

@themorris23

Octopus 1-you up for tennis?

Octopus 2- I cant my tennis elbows are actin up again

Octo1-..we dont have elb

Octo2- I DONT WANNA PLAY CARL

@delusions_of

This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

@gerryhallcomedy

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?