*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
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in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.