Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
You Might Also Like
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶