Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

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Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling


“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay


Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…


Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.


My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.


Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.


Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence


Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*


Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people