@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

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@OMGSoOverIt

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

@huynhable

Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”

@hippieswordfish

HEAD OF THE NATIONAL WEATHER SEVICE: so how will we name all these hurricanes?
GARY, WHOS BEEN DIVORCED 31 TIMES: i have an idea

@ThugRaccoons

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

@Donna_McCoy

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

@Just_Lee_

If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.

@laurascaz

INFORMER!!!

Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…

A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

@causticbob

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.