Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.
Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people