@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

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@KKAlThani

Kristen Stewart always looks like she just found out she was adopted.

@AndyJokedAgain

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

@Death_Buddy

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

@hipstermermaid

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

@ThisOneSayz

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

@momowelch

Before Facebook I assumed all of our parents were good spellers.

@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

@jonnysun

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping