@Procaffinator

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.

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@Ygrene

Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling

@dafloydsta

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

@LaceyNycole

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

@Havish_AF

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@AimeeHelene1

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

@alexblagg

Things the GOP has battled this week:

1. Ethics
2. Intelligence

@steeve_again

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

@onion_an

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people