Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
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A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
smartest karate player in the world
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
*bites zombie*
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
lmao
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Dudes named Chance never had one.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.