Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
my one true gender
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives