Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I saw nothing
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms