Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
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If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage