People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
You Might Also Like
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?