If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
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Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
adam and eve had first world problems
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.