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Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”


The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game; I’ll play mine.


imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name


“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.


I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.


i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight


A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.


Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…

Me: Doesn’t everyone?