#catsoftwitter
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Godspeed, John Glenn
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Cheer up.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I refuse to be controlled by a calendar so happy birthday to me today
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.