Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
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Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
12653.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Perfect.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?