[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Plant care tips
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Still my favourite meme.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.