[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
You Might Also Like
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.