CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
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I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?