@lanyardtwerk

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

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@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@fro_vo

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

@Talk_To_The_Hat

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

@UncleDuke1969

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

@ArfMeasures

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

@WeissBrandon

I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.

@simoncholland

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

@lilplayer809

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.

@prodnose

Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.