@lanyardtwerk

Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.

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@eedrk

alien: take me to your leader
me: uh i’m the leader
alien: oh, chill. anyway,
me: why didnt you think i was the leader
alien: no no,
me: why

@james_comics

[first date]

her: [checking phone] OMG my dad had a heart attack

me: [remembering girls like bad boys] good

@sannewman

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

@TheBoydP

I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@The_MartiniGirl

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as doctor]

ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news

PATIENT: what is it

ME: I amputated the wrong hand

@dhumann

[speed dating]

Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”

Her: “Face…”

Me: “Have a nice life.”

@iwearaonesie

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*