When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
Caught my food taking a picture of me. When I confronted it, it said it was for its people blog? What a creep.
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*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.