Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
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When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
🤣could you imagine
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers