Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
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[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”