Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

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[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.


wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep


Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.


Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.


Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?


RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No


Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers


*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1