@HeyoShellz

Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader

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@Lisabug74

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@ozzyunc

Don’t give ghosts money. They use it for boos.

@SondraDeeMe

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@caithuls

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

@prufrockluvsong

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

@TheIronSherk

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1