Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
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Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
How do horror writers compete with current events?
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.