Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please