Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

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If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.


Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?


man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”


I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.


Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.


If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there


Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering



Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.


most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns