Cauliflower has a good publicist.
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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)