Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.
Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.
You Might Also Like
When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash
what’s for dinner?
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.