@loisandbea

Cauliflower is just broccoli ghosts.

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@timdonakowski

Anyone else bite their bottom lip and make a noise when inserting your headphone plug? Me neither.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.

@CornOnTheGoblin

movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else

@WilliamAder

How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!

@electrolemon

this harriet tubman news is gonna make it super awkward every time i purchase slaves in cash

@ehdannyboy

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

@ArfMeasures

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

@MarieLoerzel

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

@Parkerlawyer

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

@weinerdog4life

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.