[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
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Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
definitely did not do anything wrong
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.