Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
Good morning.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.