Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

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2 reasons why im fat

1) i eat when I’m bored
2) im always bored


Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants


2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people


Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.


He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.


i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses


[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”



In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.


[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam