Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

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Daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.


if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”


If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.


Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.


New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:



Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys


[Me as a getaway driver] Ok before we set off does anyone need the toilet?


me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail


My superpower is my ability to spell ‘banana’ without any help from Gwen Stefani