@AlisonAgosti

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

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@pakalupapito

2 reasons why im fat

1) i eat when I’m bored
2) im always bored

@DanMentos

Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants

@TheClifBob

2020 has really changed me, but not completely. For example, I haven’t showered in 3 days, but I still silently judge stinky people

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

@2tickytacky

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

@Mostly_Cheese

i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She’s constantly mad at me

“There are squirrels living in our house”

THEY WERE HOMELESS, KAREN

@rachann79

In honour ouf Canada Day, I’m incourpourating unnecessary ‘u’s intou my wourds.

@HansGrubertron

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam