Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
🤣🤣💀
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.