Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
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set yourself free xox
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
best first i’ve ever seen
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.