@RiotGrlErin
@SimplyRetard
“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”
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@SimplyRetard
@ericsshadow
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
@subtleapt
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
@SabotagedSmoke
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
@ShortSleeveSuit
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
@turdfailure
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
@MrsMikePatton
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
@ItsAllCrazyToMe
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
@SardonicTart
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
@garrydavenport
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.