@RiotGrlErin

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

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@SimplyRetard

“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”

@ericsshadow

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

@subtleapt

My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: how’s it going?

ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron

@turdfailure

They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.

@ItsAllCrazyToMe

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.