“*RING**RING* in the middle
Of night! “Hello?” “Hey man are you home?” “No dude i just picked up my house phone from Burger King.”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
You Might Also Like
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
My mother always told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”…and some people wonder why I’m so quiet around them.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.