@ipalatsky

cause of death:
autopsy.

You Might Also Like

@sharpular

I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.

@sad_tree

[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!

@lovemydogduck

Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.

@dafloydsta

[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button

@SladeWentworth

What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.

@Marilyn_Brando

[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.

@mollymcnearney

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

@mooses_mom_mar

How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.