I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
cause of death:
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Put all the money in the bag and no one-
*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*
MOST people won’t get hurt!!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.
What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.