cause of death:
autopsy.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Who needs an Air Fryer?
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?