cause of death:

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I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.


[Bank Robbery]
Put all the money in the bag and no one-

*sees guy wearing a Maroon 5 shirt*

MOST people won’t get hurt!!


Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.


HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.


doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button


What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.

What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.


[Shipwrecked diary]

Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.


Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.


How to decorate for Halloween:
1: Buy the biggest pumpkin you can find.
2: Slam it down on your ex’s head.
3: Dress said ex as a scarecrow.