cause of death:
autopsy.
You Might Also Like
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome