Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see

there are some wounds only potatoes can heal

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well

Judge: You need supervision.

Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”

Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.