Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You Might Also Like
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*