Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.